Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
You Might Also Like
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Siri: Retweet me.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”