My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip