I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
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My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
absolutely not
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.