Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this