They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
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‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Breaking news:
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…