<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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I think we should hear other voices.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking