QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If snakes were wide
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
#Caturday
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.