I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.