I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
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Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”