The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.