That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.