Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
😆this is so true
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.