I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
There is wisdom there.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
🚲+physics = winner
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)