I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
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Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.