The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Message from the dog groomers
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
marvel comics have peaked