i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
181.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom