Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.