“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
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Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de