The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
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Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please