To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
You Might Also Like
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle