[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Room with a view.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.