for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
You Might Also Like
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?