when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.