Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
😬
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
guilty
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….