Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.