To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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Sorry I made promises on Friday
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.