My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
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at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Just why bro?!
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.