I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Yup
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Me recordaron éste meme
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.