[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.