me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Isn’t
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.