I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Breaking news:
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*