A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
There’s never enough good news
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
This made me chuckle cuz mood