[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.