I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
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SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I have a type: disappointing
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while