“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.