A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
idk flipping houses looks really hard
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.