Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
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My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.