GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
peeping toms
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”