Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
favorite tropes as memes