Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.