Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
You Might Also Like
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.