Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
You Might Also Like
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.