An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.