[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster