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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week