馃幍 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 馃幍
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
You Might Also Like
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can鈥檛 believe he has to grow up with me twice.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 馃槏馃槏
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what鈥檚 the chance of someone trying that move twice?
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It鈥檚 next to your machete
J: Hon, that鈥檚 my work mask. If it鈥檚 all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I鈥檓 stalking camp councillors
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Thursday
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they鈥檙e gonna have to learn how to make coffee
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[loses house key, starts a new life]