if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
You Might Also Like
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly