[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball