[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
You Might Also Like
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-