Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I would like even faster food.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP